This was very nearly one of those 'I am not dead' posts that crop up now and again on our newsfeeds. But instead it seems to have turned into one of those long rambling posts that just ooze from your fingers as you sit down at the keyboard to write. To put things into a clearer context, I have spent that last week enduring, that has to be the best word for it, the attentions of a dental abscess.
Now I have gone under the knife in the past, as I suspect many of you have, and I have had food poisoning severe enough that my wife found me hallucinating wildly in front of the fire at 2am. I thought those two ordeals were bad, but nothing... and I mean NOTHING... compares to the extreme pain that dental abscesses bring.
Since returning last Saturday night from Colchester Hospital with a small, plastic carrier bag full of antibiotics (three types), painkillers and goodness knows what else, I have been unable to do very little, save suffer. At points things were so low that I even begged Lord Nurgle to have pity on me and bring me some respite to my agonies!
He ignored me - probably because I have been hanging around Khorne and Slaanesh so much over the last few years!
Hopefully, this explains my sudden silence and disappearance from this blog, the FB page and the Oldhammer Forum. Don't get me wrong, I was still there, drifting in during my more lucid moments, but I have not been feeling up to writing anything. However, the many Oldhammer blogs and galleries that the community puts up have been a real support and I have found myself inspired by many of the things I have seen and read.
This brings me on to today's subject:, painting and collecting breeds.Something inspired by my late night vigils over the Codeine Phosphate packet and re-runs of Twin Peaks - not a good idea! The dreams! Its is something that seems to vary wildly across the internet, and as I convalesced I found myself pondering about the different types of collectors and miniatures painters that I have come across over the last two years of Oldhammering. So I thought I'd think up a lighthearted countdown of the myriad forms miniature enthusiasts come in. Two questions popped into my mind early on.
What different types could there be?
Which was I?
Master Sculptor/Painter
The rarest form in the business. These are the individuals who can do both jobs brilliantly. Not only can they actually sculpt high quality and characterful models and get them produced and on sale, but they can also paint them to astonishingly good standards. Tim Prow is one such colossus in this regards, as a quick look through his miniature collection on Facebook, or across the pages of countless of publications he has contributed to will testify. I am sure you can think of a few others who fit into this particular breed.
![]() |
Some Old School Citadel from Tim's personal collection. He sculpts brilliantly too! |
Deep Pocketed and/or Very Well Connected Collector I am sure that you have had dealings with these types before. They are the enthusiasts that seem to have a near bottomless amount of cash (or the spy network) to splurge on lead and are the only ones, theoretically, who could field a squadron of Ass Cannons backed up with a legion of Citadel Sheep. The rest of us can only look on with green faced envy as they snap up Citadel Giants and unreleased chaos beastmen with penises on their heads with wild abandon, no doubt before going home to melt down their surplus leadpile to mend the leaking roof on their local church. In my experience, this type is the one less likely to actually paint anything and I often wonder if they display their collections or just keep them safely tucked away in safety deposit boxes. No doubt, late in the night they make their silent way down the stairs to stroke their 'preciouses' by guttering candle-light!
This entry bears no relation whatsoever to any
Steve Casey's worldwide living or dead! Honest! (:
Way Out Of Your League PainterI could write a long, rambling entry at this point that recounts my experiences on-line and in the real world about meeting and ogling the work of this particular type of enthusiast. But I won't. I'll just have to type this...
Nico.Jaeckel Alone.I rest my case.
Unscrupulous HoarderThese are the proper buggers who no doubt infuriate many a fan of old school miniatures. They have the storage space and they are going to use it. It doesn't matter if its a garage, an attic (no doubt with a re-enforced floor) or a 'man cupboard', this enthusiast has it all, but he has no intention of sharing it. The massive collection sits in gloomy solitude waiting for the day when the lot is going on eBay and will no doubt net the vendor a huge profit. After all, everyone knows that those old Warhammer figures are worth loads on-line, you just have to look at the prices some people are charging! They tantalise you with impossible tales about the size of their collections, boast about the nest egg they are sitting on and the innumerable foreign holidays they will go one when they (finally) offload the lead.Then they try and sell the stuff...
Then, and only then, can you watch their dreams crumble as they learn that no-one wants to pay $1000 for the wizard with the machine gun. Even if its boxed!
Oh.My.God!eBay Trader These guys know their stuff. Sure, they want to make a profit but largely, they charge a fair BIN price for those of us who don't have the time or inclination to ride the vague rapids of eBay or engage in the offer and counter offer of trading on the forums. To be fair, I have got some good deals from places like the
Troll Trader over the years. Six Bob Olley Nurgle beastmen for £6 and five chaos centaurs for £15 are two such deals that I can remember.
We need more traders like these online.
The 'I Was There, Man!' Men/WomenThis is a very small, select group of enthusiasts who were actually part of the Citadel/fantasy scene of the 1980s. They are mines of information and can delight you with amusing tales about locking John Blanche in the GW toilet in the days when the light switch was on the outside (for some reason?). They can also drop a nonchalant bombshell or three. "Unreleased guitar playing space marines you say? We use a box of them as a door stop!"
Collector/Painter In my view, these best reflect the 'common man' (if you like) in the world of Oldhammer/Miniature collecting. They buy a little, paint a little, spend hours upon hours working (actually cruising eBay) or on the toilet (actually cruising eBay) or finding that something special for the wife online (actually cruising eBay). They collect their lead in order to, one far off day, actually paint the stuff for display or for actual gaming. Quite a few of this erudite tribe of enthusiasts maintain blogs, they crave the excitement of photographing their latest masterpiece for their followers, using the kitchen as a makeshift photographic studio as they deftly dodge the spousal insults that are inevitably flung in their direction. This nimbleness primes the Collector/Painter with the skills to get to the front door first to ensure that postman and wife 'never the two do meet'. They can also wax lyrical with utter conviction about how cheap they just bought the Lichemaster on-line as they frantically hide the true cost of all those impulse buys they made last week.
I am in no way talking about myself here. Okay!
![]() |
Some of my collection. These may or may not have been photographed in the kitchen as my wife mocked my 'little men'. |
Sniper
Its ten seconds to go and you are about to snap up the Nuln Spearman for 50p because someone has mislisted it as a He-Man toy, when in the final second they outbid you by 10p and the figure you have been checking up on for nine days is now not going to be yours. Again! Did this already happen to you last week? Yes, no doubt at all you have been victim to one of these vicious vandals of the on-line auction. Perhaps you are one of their number? But it seems to me that no one, no matter how many sausage rolls they can eat from a Gregg's with security guards at 1am, will admit to doing so when face to face with another enthusiast. "Oh, that Zygor Snake Arms with the distinctive base that was mislisted as an absinthe spoon? Don't know what you are talking about mate!"
Oldhammer General In my opinion,
Erny ,
Thantsants and
Goblin Lee vie for dominance with this one, with Golgfag leering manically over their shoulders. These guys have their collections based, painted and when you see the massed ranks you've fainted - to invent one of those crap rhyming phrases salesmen concoct to shift a few more units of tat. Only, the Oldhammer General doesn't push tat around the fine tables at the Wargames Foundry, oh no, they finger slide whole painted units of slann, old school skeletons (who may, or may not be lead by Heinrich Kemlar) and mounted Perry chaos warriors across the table. They can field forces for nearly ever entry in Warhammer Armies and still have enough on the shelf to play the
Valley of Death.
Greedy RetailerThey have something a little special but they charge far, far too much. I very much doubt that their ridiculous prices ever pay off and that they are simply holding on to stock in the hope, that one day, some plonker is going to drop a three digit figure on something like
this. Sadly, its behaviour like this that only encourages type 4 in our list which subsequently sees our search queries polluted with endless BINs of plastic 4th edition halbardiers for £15! From time to time I wonder if we should start a subversive, secret focus group that actively sends disparaging messages to these vendors in an effort to stem the tide of outrageously priced stock!
The Uninitiated The poor sod left intimidated and a little confused about all this Oldhammer Stuff despite loving the old school vibe of what he or she (okay, unlikely but not impossible) sees bandied about the web! He scratches his head and cannot fathom how his peers manage to field the Nightmare Legion when he is confronted with BINs where each trooper is priced at £70 and wishes he never gave his collection of Citadel Miniatures he amassed between 1981 and 1989 to little Timmy down the road in exchange for a Super Nintendo. He's come in from the cold, unhappy with price hikes and being spoken to like a child. He loathes the over use of the words 'awesome' and 'cool' to describe anything remotely worthy and sorely misses the days when the word 'hobby' wasn't affixed to every tool related noun. Despite the setbacks and the confusion, this enthusiast joins a certain
forum or
Facebook world and a wonderful door opens for him once more. A door he felt was long ago shut forever. At this point, soul pledged, he transforms into one of the other types here like the mutated Chaos Spawn he now is.
The Daddy of the Hammer
Finally, the kings of the castle. These guys don't mess around. Full sized Reaver Titan?
How many? Homemade Baneblade made from cereal boxes?
Too easy! Building one of those Modelling Workshop articles by Tony Cotterell in the 1980s?
No problem! These bad boys know their business, have all the kit and can construct some truly incredible works of genius out of stuff the rest of us just throw out with the rubbish. Super glue never sticks their fingers together and their paint never dried up mid coat - the stuff's just too damn sacred of the modelling prowess! Oh, and generally they have paint stations like this!
![]() |
The monitor was added to provide access to reference material while painting and modelling. Whether this 'material' had a pair of boobs is entirely a matter of debate. |
So before I retire to my bed safe in the knowledge that I have a huge dental bill to square with the wife and that some of my painkiller/infection inspired ramblings have made their uncomfortable way on to the page without gouging my eyes out; a question!
Which type are you?
Orlygg